Las Vegas 2019

Lightning Talk: Certified Really Agile Practitioner (CRAP)

Lightning Talk


Jonathan Smart

Partner, Enterprise Agility, Deloitte



My dear DevOps enterprise summit family. Welcome to your training. This is your playbook for a DevOps, agile digital clouds transformation. No prior experience necessary today, you will become a certified really agile practitioners crap. The one best way. Best practice cookie cutter 17 step program to digital Nirvana


Snake oil. Here we come. Step number one, run a digital transformation projects with a start date and an end date. 18 month countdown, 500 days. Beautiful Gantt chart as per the scriptures thou shalts run and adopt the Spotify model squads, tribes, chapters, and guilds. And you will all do synchronized Nordic skiing. Whether you want to or not step number three, you will use milestones. You will predict output to the point of knowing the least. It's a motivational tool for performance. Funnily enough, five miles and rather say is a place called stuck. True story. Step number four. Language is important. The word deadline and drop dead date force agile behavior have 5,000 deadlines. Origin of the word deadline is Sumpter in the U S civil war where you were shot. If you walked past a railing motivational tool for performance, step number five, human resources, exercise part one. Let's all your project managers go is they will no longer be needed. Step number six, human resources, exercise pot to create a new agile and DevOps roles. The human resources will reapply for them. Not everybody can make the cut. Only the managers can determine who can tool for motivation. Number seven in pose squads, tribes, chapters, and guilds. Take your existing org chart and don't change it at all.


Protects the existing protect your existing fiefdoms. Step number eight, ensure tribes are aligned to job role there's dev ops there's dev ops there's computer says no. There's the pixie whispers in the land of Pixies and fairy dust.


Make sure you keep those tribes together and then have tribal incentivization. You promote the top 10%. You give 90% of the bonus to the top 10% and you fire the bottom 10%, but only within the job role, we're not optimizing for value or flow here. Then you do agile project management. You take your gunshots and you use the word sprint 10 times in the middle. You do pick up a upfront design, buffed, big upfront risks, buffer. Those are not dating apps. And then you have learning and value at the end. Step number 11, compliance over risk. If in doubt, just say no, or get someone else to say yes, maximum possible compliance, hashtag NPC.


Step number 12, make cloud fits your existing controls. Take your 1950s tractor of an organization, apply the formula one engine and throttle it back to 15 miles an hour, disabled 95% of the features of the cloud. Step number 13, create a digital factory party like it's 1911, because of course, factory is a perfect analogy for complex adaptive change and failure will not be tolerated. Don't you dare experiment. Number 14, create chaos, which of course stands for output and key results. Your bonus is tied to exceeding your output and key results. There's rack reporting. It's a motivational tool for performance. Step number 15, have metrics target them and drive competition across their teams. Specifically velocity say-do ratio lines of code, an individual developer productivity algorithms so that you can fire your worst performers motivational tool for performance. Step number 16, have a maturity model. Contrary to popular belief have level one to four. So, you know, you've arrived set targets at each level. It's a motivational tool for performance. Step number 17, run, mandatory craft training, other certifications also available senior team enlightened ruler. Cropster better off senior stakeholder crap boss and greatest official deity crap, God renewable by attending a crap conference, reading a crap book or watching a frat video. Congratulations, you are all certified really agile practitioners, hashtag hashtag motivational tool for performance.