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My Dear DevOps Enterprise Summit family, welcome to your training. This is your playbook for a DevOps Agile digital Cloud transformation. No prior experience necessary. Today, you will become a certified, really agile practitioners crap. The one best way, best practice cookie cutter, 17 step program to Digital Nirvana Snake oil. Here we come. Step number one, run a digital transformation project with a start date and an end date. 18 month countdown, 500 days beautiful Gantt chart. As per the scriptures thou shout, run and adopt deify model, squads, tribes, chapters, and guilds, and you will all do synchronized Nordic skiing whether you want to or not. Step number three, you will use milestones. You will predict output at the point of knowing the least. It's a motivational tool for performance. Funnily enough, five miles and brothers say is a place called stuck True story. Step number four, language is important. The word deadline and drop dead date force agile behavior have 5,000 deadlines. Origin of the word deadline is Camp Sumpter. In the US Civil War where you are shot, if you walked past a railing, motivational tool for performance. Step number five, human resources. Exercise part one, let all your project managers go as they will no longer be needed. <laugh>.

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Step number six, human resources exercise. Part two, create new agile and DevOps roles. The human resources will reapply for them. Not everybody can make the cut. Only the managers can determine who can.

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<laugh>

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Tool for motivation. Number seven, impose squads, tribes, chapters and guilds. Take your existing org chart and don't change it at all. Protect the existing. Protect your existing fiefdoms. Step number eight, ensure tribes are aligned to job role. There's dev, there's ops, there's DevOps. There's computer says no. There's the pixie whisperers and the land of pixies and fairy dust. Make sure you keep those tribes together and then have tribal incentivization. You promote the top 10%, you give 90% of the bonus to the top 10%, and you fire the bottom 10%, but only within the job role. We're not optimizing for value or flow here. Then you do agile project management. You take your Gant chart and you use the word sprint 10 times in the middle.

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<laugh>.

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You do big, big upfront design, buffed, big upfront risks, buffer. Those are not dating apps, and then you have learning of value at the end. Step number 11, compliance over risk. If in doubt, just say no or get someone else to say yes. Maximum possible compliance hashtag mpc. Step number 12, make cloud fit your existing controls. Take your 1950s tractor of an organization, apply the Formula one engine and throttle it back to 15 miles an hour. Disable 95% of the features of the cloud. Step number 13, create a digital factory party like it's 1911 because of course, factory is a perfect analogy for complex adaptive change and failure will not be tolerated. Don't you dare. Experiment number 14, create OKRs, which of course stands for output and key results. Your bonus is tied to exceeding your output and key results. There's rag reporting. It's a motivational tool for performance. Step number 15, have metrics. Target them and drive competition across your teams. Specifically velocity. Say do ratio lines of code and individual developer productivity algorithms so that you can fire your worst performers motivational tool for performance. Step number 16, have a maturity model. Contrary to popular belief, have level one to four so you know you've arrived.

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Set targets at each level. It's a motivational tool for performance. Step number 17, run mandatory crap training. Other certifications also available. Senior team, enlightened ruler Cropster. Better off senior stakeholder, crap boss and greatest official deity. Crap, God renewable by attending a crap conference, reading a crap book, or watching a crap video. Congratulations. You are all certified, really agile practitioners. Hashtag no, hashtag, no change. Hashtag as you are. Hashtag motivational tool for performance.